Pre New Year

These holiday seasons always wreck me emotionally. Damned if I know why. Christmas Eve I was terribly depressed and reflecting on the ghosts of girlfriends past. Two in particular would repeatedly squeeze my nostalgic heart and wring much regret. It was a sad night.

Come Christmas day, and I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. No need to worry when I have this bold new future to victoriously march towards. Filled with weird euphoria and a hunger to achieve.

I confuse me. I can certainly see how I confuse others.

Today I finished a an eight hour day at work. I woke up sunny early at 6:00 am to be at work on time like I’ve been doing all week. Tonight, though, I will make myself stay up until 8:00 am the next day. Ladies and gents, that is 26 hours. Why? Because I have three nights to adjust myself to my new shift, 7:30 pm until 8:00 am the next morning, the night shift beginning Monday night. My current, regular sleep schedule just won’t due, I’ll need to adjust and adjust fast.

I recall in my youth nights where I would be painting or playing video games til the wee hours of the morning. That was back in my youth. I’m a middle aged man now, things don’t quite work how they used to. Wear and tear is beginning to show.I struggle to cope with this new phase of life.

For instance, I’ve been feeling terribly itchy now for a handful of months. I tried to practice due diligence and go online and seek out possible causes and cures. No go. I give in and go to  the doctor’s office and he lends an educated guess and send me on my way with a prescription. Repeat this formula a couple more times and  here I am still itchy, and a tad more frustrated for the experience.

I am without a woman. This I can’t decide if I should celebrate or bemoan. I am terrible at relationships. I can’t blame the gals I chase or who chase me, I suspect it is largely due to my hermitude. You know, my solitary life style. Habits of not having to compromise or empathize makes for a terrible partner when conflict arises. I am stubborn and I second guess my ability to understand her point of view, especially in the heat of the moment and passions are high.

Art. God damn you, ghost. I can’t live with you and I can’t live without you. Just today when I am at work I am deluding myself into thinking I should take up more art. It’s not that easy, especially when my art efforts have been fruitless for so many years. Art is like any business, it demands a lot of time and effort and attention. I feel frayed enough with work, and attempting dating, and school.

I struggle very hard with where to place Art in my life. I do it and I do it well, but I have not been able to progress in life as I expected through art. I feel as though I am standing still and whatever I create the world neither cares nor needs. Meanwhile the fruits of my labors as a CNA are more tangible. I work hard, I work well. Sure, my bosses and coworkers are bitter by the eternal strife between supervisor and supervisee. And, yeah, the pay is right down there with McDonalds Cashier. But the thanks I get or appreciation I receive from my patients for doing a good job, I feel their gratitude is genuine, I feel my labors needed and appreciated, there is a validation there I’ve craved all these years that was never bestowed upon me as an artist.

And all that leaves me quiet.

 

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