Somewhat

I understand it’s been forever and a day since I last wrote here. More accurately, a little over two weeks. In my defense, writing here is especially difficult after I’ve been writing school papers; which I’ve been diligently doing. Writing as I have ‘lo these past couple of weeks, I’m writing here now so let’s get on with it.

Life is alright, “alright” meaning I’m managing. My emotional state as of late is, sigh, not as stable as I’d like it to be. I eat somewhat healthy, I sleep somewhat regularly, the nature of my work keeps me somewhat in shape; as a result, I am somewhat . . . somewhat . . . I’m not sure, I feel pretty down about now.

School is fine, I have strong A’s. Motivation seems to be a lacking as of late, but I’m still showing up and still doing homework. I look forward to it all being done.

Work. Work depresses me. I feel well under appreciated and well under paid. I can understand the boss’ perspectives as they watch me attend to my duties. I arrive, I do my job with some diligence and attention, I do work consistently, yet I have this cloud around my mood. I am without passion and, as one of my coworkers puts it, “I constantly hide my irritation behind a smile.”

My relationship is not so grand. I blame myself. I get weird when intimacy is involved. I’ve been to the shrinks, I know the talk, still I am, for lack of better words, me. What better challenge, what more effective obstacle than oneself? I am challenged, as I darkly smirk, “challenged” in every sense of the word.

I fret as I can see this behavior persisting in me as I age. I do wish it weren’t so, but here we are; here we’ve been. In some of the papers I read on human psychology and anthropology,  they say these symptoms of erratic mood shifts lessen with age. Or, in other words, as I age, I am less susceptible to my own bullshit.

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