Kinda Here

Where’s Steve? Why hasn’t the dude been posting? Is he OK?

Steve’s here. I haven’t been posting because I’ve been busy. Busy withdrawing. Overall, yes, I’m OK.

This is an annual tradition for me and has been for a long time. My birthday nears and I use it as a time to reflect on all the ways I’ve failed. I attempt to quantify or categorize what the hell is wrong with me. You’ll find Christmas, New Years, and Autumn are regular times of the year I participate in the same dark meditation.

I know, I know, this is all pretty sad. I wish I wouldn’t do this to myself either. There’s got to be a better way. If there is, I haven’t found it yet. Thus far, my coping strategy is to disconnect. Lose myself in a video game, sometimes to drinking. The price I pay to escape my withering self criticism is to lose touch. I neglect things. Things I shouldn’t. Art, career, friends, family. –Thank god I don’t have a wife or kids to put through this horseshit.

Relatively speaking, my funk isn’t so bad this time around. I have my dark times, but overall, I’m just trying to relax and ride it out. I’m still going to work. I’m still doing a good job. I’m still attending to basic chores. I’m sheltering myself with something of a routine. I’m fed, sometimes in a healthy way. I’m not sleeping too much or too little. I’m signed up for school. I’m writing this here thingy.

Overall, and to stress what I mentioned earlier, I’m sorry I do this little thing. Sorry to anyone exposed to this eye-rolling pity party. Gimme a little space and time and I’ll drop it.

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