Friday, March 22

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As soon as I post this picture I think to myself, “I can do more. I can do better.” I am armed with a wealth of ideas. Really, I have them written down in a notebook. It’s just a matter of time and attention. If I set aside a few hours each day, I can bang one out in no time. And, like yesterday’s post alluded, I’ll make that time eventually. For now, though, I have some tasks to attend to.

You know, the usual mix of things, school stuff, job stuff, life stuff. On top of it all, I have the loneliness bug gnawing at me. Despite my great reluctance to admit it, especially here, I do need to start dating again. It’s been a long long time. I still negotiate on whether or not it’s a worthwhile endeavor. Still . . . damn my base human needs. I hesitate to proceed, I’m feeling a little too embarrassed about now and this paragraph was hard enough to write.

In a blatant effort at misdirection, work has been work. I was surprised to find myself happy there yesterday. Lord knows, it was the most unpleasant of days. Everything was falling apart and at the same time. And it did that for hours on end. On top of all that, the morning crew left plenty of their work unfinished. Regardless, there I was in the thick of it with a good humor and a healthy work ethic. Amidst it all, I felt as though I were a capable captain in the storm. What a strange sense of pride. I almost want to declare the ordeal a thrill.

I am baffled by the whole lot of it, actually enjoying work. Feelings remain of being overworked, under appreciated, taken advantage of. Yesterday and today, though, it’s the positive aspects that have been lingering with me. The patients all have a respect, appreciation, and, in some instances, an affection for me. And I them. Also the nature of my work is such I’ll never have to join a gym. Speed walking, pushing wheel chairs, hefting people in and out of beds. Seriously, I hefted a 250 lb man from his wheel chair into his bed yesterday. I know I’ll break my back if I keep that up, but still, that sense of pride and accomplishment, they do stick with a feller.

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