Existential Barfing

I recall reading an article somewhere that says it take 21 days to form a habit. I think I’m past that 21 days by a couple and it feels good. I like my morning routine of coming on here with coffee in hand and writing a little diary reciting my whereabouts in life. It sure does put a perspective on things and keeps me in line as to what needs doing. I feel saner and more responsible for it.

Forgive me for tossing in here a few doubts but I’m gonna get them off my chest just to do it. Thank you in advance for indulging me. Primarily I worry about the narcissistic tendencies. All about me. I do have other characters in this play called life. I don’t think I ever mention them here. Maybe later with their permission, of course. Overall I maintain a small amount of people in my life. I have reclusive tendencies. That limits the amount of friends or enemies I can have at any given time. Don’t get me wrong, I love people. We work great together. It’s just that I am an aficionado of alone time. For the longest time now, I’ve been designed to  spend extended amounts of time alone in the art studio researching or creating. I’ve grown a deep appreciation and affection for that time.

Where the rub is: How is that not selfish? I take and I don’t give back.

I’m still trying to cobble a reasoning together that allows my self esteem to stay intact. It goes a little something like: I spend all my time looking inward and what reflects out is the art. I go through the pangs and pains of solitude so you don’t have to. What I write, paint, and share with the world are my attempts to contribute. These silly little drawings of mine and a few choice words are my best weapons for connecting with others, for enhancing their lives. Even if it’s just a little bit. Sure, I look for a buck or two to take care of my basic survival needs. That’s only to improve what I deliver, though. Less distractions allow me to improve what I do . . .

Alright, that’s enough existential barfing. Let’s fix breakfast and get to painting.


3 thoughts on “Existential Barfing

  1. cobluegirl

    Awe…I envy your ability to be so self reflective. Amber is good at that too. I love being alone but just getting the hang of actually being able to look inward. Sometimes it hurts too much so it is easier to ignore it. However, I am learning to appreciate pain, because it means I can still feel.


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