Tired

I’m tired.

Got yelled at at work yesterday. It had nothing to do with me. I think the lady doing the yelling was just pissed and I got in her line of fire. I knew it and I knew not to take it personally. Still, an oversensitive part of me did. I didn’t throw a fit, I was the model of patience and virtue. My mind, though, it decided to ferment the resentment. Uhg, so when it came to sleeping last night, had some trouble and this is what was on my mind. I pretend I’m above it all. Cognitively, I am.  The emotional part of me likes to disagree, though. It even wanted to take the anger out on me.

This is one of many traits I have held onto over the years. I was thinking about that late into the night, too. I’m reminded of some of the old people I work with. The ones with dementia. They have a limited and predictable range of thought processes. I feel as though I am just like them, only armed with a broader portfolio of thought processes and habits. I’m like them, they were like me, I’ll be like them when I start to fade. I guess that rule can be applied to all of us. Even so, I found myself comparing their limitations to my own. That’s something I do.

I keep my bar way low. My confidence, what I can and can’t accomplish. I keep all that low. Years of fighting myself for art, being unable to control myself with my addiction. Losing multiple times on those fronts. Maybe even my childhood was compromised somewhere along the way. I suspect my genetics may also have been questionable. In an case, I’ve spent way more time with my limitations than with my strengths. Too much time focusing on one side of the coin and it’s significance.

I think now, my renaissance, I will be exploring my strengths. I’m humble, I’m smart, I’m witty, I’m caring. I’m going to accept my need for the computer, instead of fighting it. Art is no more. I can paint very well, but I won’t attempt to reach this unrealistic ideal. Fuck it. Fuck that whole failed experiment. I learned some real good life lessons in that painful episode of my life. A healthy amount of skepticism. Now? Shit. Now I’m free from the fail factory. I have gifted myself with a future with tons of options. It’s a little scary, yeah. There are pangs and pains in restarting. 

Over all, this is one of those times. This whole episode is one of those. I’m doing fine. Winding down this road and rambling on this blog helps me to evaluate the situation. Already I feel much better about it.

I’m gonna eat now.

 

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