Haggard

Yesterday at work was exhausting and overwhelming. I think I did good, I’m not sure though. It’s hard to tell when they throw you to the wolves and tell you to sink or swim. See? I’m even mixing idioms, I’m so tired.

We were underhanded, I’m not even three weeks into doing this, and they give me a full load with a relaxed demeanor. I lifted and strained as hard as I could and did it all without whining. I think my mood viscerally darkened, though. Especially when the nurses would come in and tell me I’m not doing it right or well or fast enough. By the end of the night, people gave me a wide birth. If it was out of respect or fear or quiet resentment, I can’t tell. I did the best I could with what I had, I guessed my way through the entirety of it. I’m sure I made some wrong decisions along the way but I feel absolved of blame if they want to kick my ass. Way too much, way to soon. I did good.

That said, I do have my doubts. Some about my coworkers and how I handle them. Myself and how I handled the situation. One particular gal, being polar-she’s either hyper sweet or hyper critical, I am still resenting her this morning. I perceive she opted for the easiest gigs for the night. When she came in and barked at me how I’m doing wrong, God, fuck her. I am not sure if my indignation is righteous or not. I’m acting as if it was, though. I could be wrong. Tamika, a nurse of a few years, criticized me for changing a whale of a woman’s diaper. ‘Did you know you have to pass out dinner?” she tells me. I’m aware, thank you. I worry I scowled at her. She left that room promptly. And when I finally finished, the nurses were passing out the trays. Usually a job well beneath them. Did I fail in my duties? Am I resented for putting them in that position? Again, I can’t tell. I suppose I’ll find out soon enough. Give it time.

I am ready to relax. I feel drained again this morning. I’ll be able to endure today. I think the strain is starting to show through. I feel dark and tired. I wish I were peppier for my residents and colleagues . . . I’ll do the best I can with what I have. I’ll try to relax. Not repress, actually meditate and rise above the stress. I think it might be a good skill to invest in

On top of it all, I have an abscessed tooth. I’m uber poor. So this is going to suck hard. I spent tome time yesterday researching what’s going on. Between looking in the mirror and seeing the cavity, the hairline vein of black in my back molar, the nerve being overly sensitive to hot and cold, I’ve concluded I have an early abscess in that tooth. The nerve is still alive. I’m not detecting pus; there’s no swelling or redness.regardless, I’ll make an appointment with the dentist soon. I suspect it would be a bad idea to ignore it. I’ll try to pay for it out of pocket. $200-$3000 is the suspected range. Low end being; yank the tooth; high end being; root canal and crown.

I have four hundred dollars in the bank, in my life right now. I think my options are clear at this juncture what needs doing. I could be, and hope I am, wrong. I’ll get into a dentist and we’ll see.

Wish me luck in both work and tooth.

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