Generosity

Today is the second day of my week end and I’m using it to do chores. Helping granny, cleaning house, putting my paycheck in the bank. Mostly mundane stuff. Yesterday was a fantastic day. I did jack squat. A six pack of beer, surfed the internet, watched video game tournaments, and gorged on shit food. God It was good. And I needed it badly.  I feel refreshed and rejuvenated and redundant.

Had a long long talk with my sister yesterday. Talked about all the insecurities I have. There’s one in particular that we both share and that is the worry that we’re being taken advantage of. We spent quite some time on that one. Generosity runs in the family, in todays American culture, being generous is a sign of weakness . . . Let me rephrase that, being generous is a fine trait. It is only viewed as weak or strong dependent on the person’s confidence level. Me and sister, not so confident are we. Not only are we generous but we avoid conflict. That mix of nuts complicates the situation.

My answer to this one, at least my attempt to answer it, will be to simplify. Just be generous and stay positive. At work, I’ve been taken advantage of a couple of times. I’m too green to know the difference. I’m not sure I want to know the difference. In not knowing, or in knowing the difference, I am afforded some pride in myself and my work. Keeping busy keeps me from getting bored and the “can do” attitude is such a nice relief from being overly defensive.  Armed with those points and reminding myself that the defensive properties will come with experience, I can relax. I can do what I do and feel like I’m doing ok with it.

The exercise work gives me and the social stimulus are just what the doctor ordered. I serve people and almost coddle them. I’m a generous caring man. And one who needs to stay active. This job affords me the ability to meet all those needs. I can’t tell if I’m still in the romanticized period where it’s all so new and neat, or I really am in a place where I am enjoying what I’m doing. I try to approach it all with a cautious optimism. I just need to stay the course. I’m doing great.

Another pang that stabs at me every now and again is under the same insecurity. The fear of being taken advantage of. And that comes in the form of my romantic relationships. That insecurity is especially corrosive in those environments. For me: paranoia; for her, exhaustion from having to defend herself from all the wild accusations. Bad, bad, bad. It’s easy to see how that kind of attitude poisons all aspects of endeavor or relationships.

I think I’ve grown considerably from my relationship with Laura. I tried to second guess myself about that, and I failed. She is the first significant relationship I’ve had. I’ve had my great share of romances. Beyond those, no. And it was a great insecurity of mine that, with the number of relationships I’ve had, I have not had a relationship that lasted longer than six months. She lasted almost a year with me. It was all over the internet but with the emotions I’ve felt and still feel for her, she was all too close. I grew considerably as a person in my time with her. I have a healthy affection and respect for her. Her contribution is well appreciated.

I could go on about why it didn’t work, but I don’t want to. I want to focus on the love . . .

. . . After a quiet moment, we’re back.

I am feeling a lot better about just doing what I do. It hurts my psyche less. Be generous, Steve. It’s natural and it’s a strength, not a weakness. For those that see it as such, prove them wrong with your confidence and stability. They’ll come around and come to respect you for it. Maybe even admire you for it.

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