No, it’s not as drab as it sounds. I enjoy the work, the people I work with, and the people I take care of. I run around, time goes by fast, and I don’t have time to get bored. Which is a vast contrast to my previous three years of sitting at a fucking cubicle and repeating a monotonous task repeatedly all while finding the best way to endure the pain. Maybe it’s been a year-and-a-half’s worth of unemployment. Despite the shit pay and worries about management shitting on me, overall, I am grateful for this job. I am happy with it.
My mind wanders to Laura now and again. I’m not sure if it is because I miss her or if it is guilt about how things ended. I loved her, she has a cherished place in my heart. That said, I can’t commit to her the way she wants me to. The way she needs me to. I just can’t. To leave was the right decision for me. I believe that sincerely. Still, the hurts and uncertainty pang every once in a while. All natural given the emotional investment. I’m just saying as all.
Grandma and I are still negotiating what I can and can’t give her while I’m working. We are a conflict adverse family. So only in the most passive of ways will things resolve themselves. Just give them time. I’m sure I’ll bluster about it soon enough.
There are times where I worry about keeping a blog is a narcissistic venture. An unhealthy endeavor. I want something to keep me creative and in a round-about way, I look at this as that effort. Journaling is also a decent way of reviewing and processing one’s life. I want to keep those healthy habits intact without poisoning myself on self indulgence . . . On second though, I doubt it’ll come to that. So far, this whole thing is just for me and only seen by me. It’s all good. When it gets out of control, we’ll both know.
I got up to pee and get some coffee. Sit back down and just stare at the old keyboard. I guess I’m out. So I’ll tap out.